Gathering around the table for what should have been a lovely dining experience, my then-high school-age children quickly began their sibling posturing. Remembering my own youth with three brothers, I wasn’t surprised when the conversation quickly grew heated, as four voices began shouting over each other to be heard.

Ah, the art of respectful conversation. That lovely activity where two or more people come together to share ideas and respect reigns supreme as one gives a point, then the other politely counter points. There may not be a complete meeting of the minds, but the parties walk away with a better understanding of each other’s ideologies. Unfortunately, our political climate today seems to have lost this art, as both sides behave badly in an effort to win over the public. It feels to me as if we’re in a civil war. Maybe not with guns, but in personal beliefs, where our country has become polar opposite in its views.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit it. When the world gets ugly, I tend to hide in my own backyard until it all goes away. I’m a natural-born pacifist who wants peace. But our country’s separation doesn’t appear to be mending any time soon. Needing to understand how we got here, I went to the one source that knows everything: I Googled it.

Scrolling through the topics on “how to have healthy political conversations,” I came across a TED Talk given by Robert Willer, a professor of Sociology and Psychology at Stanford University. His remark was simple. “Research discovered that the answer lies deep within the moral values we hold dear, that core belief we would die for. Liberals tend to care about equality, fairness, care, and protection, while conservatives hold in high regard loyalty, patriotism, respect for authority, sanctity, and purity.”

So, how do we begin to cross this great divide? Willer believes in a technique he calls moral reframing. In other words, try not to force why your idea is so important, but rather think about what the core belief values are of the person you’re arguing with, and show true empathy for those beliefs. Don’t just pretend to listen but actually hear where they’re coming from.

I think this is a lot easier said than done, especially when the discussion is burning a hole in one’s righteous soul. Blood begins to boil, and before we know it, it’s all just one big war of words. But, as I sat with the idea, I began to realize that when I’m in an argument, the one thing I want is to be understood. I don’t care if they agree with me or not; I just want them to get where I’m coming from.

I think we all want peace, whether you’re a democrat, republican, liberal, conservative, black, white, brown, or even rainbow. But if we’re ever to achieve the peace we truly want, we must learn to respect one another. Recently, a friend posted a remark on Facebook that made my sensibilities cringe. My first instinct was to block all further posts. Then, I recalled how she was always that true friend when I needed one. She loved me as I did her, and politics should never get in the way of that. I need to change to help that happen.

From now on, my dining table will be open to all, but it will be decorated with decorum and respect for each guest. It may be hard to take, but like the kumquat trees that once grew in our yard, we need to patiently bite into the sour, often bitter peel to reach the sweet, juicy core. We should never just throw them aside.

I want to live in a world where my dining table is open for all views, where we don’t just listen but hear one another. Only then will the noise we currently hear become beautiful noise.

We’ve all heard Gandhi’s words, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” So, let’s change the world starting with us.